Anxiety - Part 3!

It has been such an interesting process figuring out 'life'.  It's something we all do each and every day.  Every person has different experiences that they are working through and different perspectives that they bring to the table - so each and every one of us will have different outcomes.  How I handled my situation that was causing such extreme anxiety in my life may not work for you. 

So - a year plus since my last post on anxiety, and I'm happy to report that I'm doing well!  Let me tell you about that year ----  whew!

• I quit my job
• My husband retired from his job 
• In April we spent three weeks in Utah helping our daughter with a new baby and looking for work and houses
• Made an offer on a home - it didn't go through
• The first part of May our house in Missouri sold!
• We went back to Missouri and finished packing our place up and doing things to the house that had to be be done for the sale to go through
• Phone & Skype interviews -- that happens when you are 1,000 miles away from where you are trying to find work
• Lots of emotional good-byes to very dear friends.  Some that we likely will never see again.  Thank heavens for FB, email and phone calls!
• Packed up and drove across country.  Do you want to know what caused me the most anxiety about all of this?  Driving behind the U-Haul!  I watched it almost go off the road, I watched it look like it could tip over while changing lanes on uneven pavement.  I watched it going way too fast down some very long hills.  I had perfect trust in our friend and driver of that van, but still - that was hard!
• Moved in with some friends because we didn't have a house of our own.
• We were basically homeless and unemployed!  YIKES!
• Spent lots of time with family - so therapeutic!  
• Went to the LDS Employment Center every day and spent hours filling out job applications, interviewing, crying over rejection letters, etc.
• I got a job the end of July
• Bought a home
• Don's back is getting worse and worse
• In October or November met with a neurosurgeon and determined that surgery was necessary
• Major back surgery the first part of December
• Don was called to be the bishop of our ward, that we had only been members of for three months! 
• He's still looking for work

 When I scored the events of the year on one of those life stress inventories, the score was quite high.  Anything 300 points or more raises the odds to about 80% of having a major health breakdown in the next two years.  We scored 423!

Even with a high score on the stress inventory, we felt SO MUCH PEACE!   Staying in the upstairs apartment at our friends' place was truly a healing time for us.  When we needed a friend, we just walked down stairs.  We had prayed and fasted and received a LOT of counsel from people we trusted as we made the decision to walk away from those things that were causing us the most stress.  So even with all of the changes that we made, and the stress that they could have (should have) caused in our lives, we have never had a time in our lives when we felt peace on such a consistent basis. 

We have loved being close to our family and enjoying time with our adult children, their spouses and the grandkids.  What a blessing each of them are to us.  What a joy to have those little ones walk in our house and throw their arms around us. 

We did a lot of 'studying it out in our minds and hearts' as to what we should do each step of the way.  We felt the strong confirmation from a loving Father in Heaven as we made decisions that we were on the right path - even when we couldn't totally see the path!  We felt like Peter at times, as the Lord issued the invitation to him 'to come' - to leave the boat and walk to Him on the water.  Sometimes we felt as though we had just taken a flying leap into the wind-tossed waters - but even as we did so - we felt our Savior's outstretched arms there to catch us. 

We feel blessed.  

We feel loved.

Life is good!

We are happy! 

Anxiety - Part Two!

So - the previous post I wrote about anxiety - and how I was going to stay on top of it so I didn't have the kind of experience that Sandra Turley had?!  Remember that?  Well - I'm happy to say that I did just that - I had almost exactly the same experience that she did. 

It was Tuesday night, December 16th.  I could not go to sleep.  You know those nights when you lie there wide awake?  Yup - one of those nights.  After an hour or so of tossing and turning I decided to head to the recliner so I wouldn't disturb the hubby.  He had an important meeting early the next morning.  I'd been there about 1/2 hour - just enjoying looking at the Christmas lights - when BAM! 

My heart started doing somersaults.  Seriously.  It felt like it was violently flopping back and forth in my chest.  Then I got an intense pain around the sternum area.  I thought I was having a heart attack, so was going to call out to the sleeping hubster, but suddenly I couldn't get my breath.  I was nauseous and dizzy and had a difficult time getting out of the chair.  I made it to the hall closet where the medicine is kept and took an aspirin.  They say to do that if you are having a heart attack.  

Now, this is where you DON'T do what I did next.  I could breathe a little easier and my acrobatic heart had slowed down considerably, so instead of waking up my husband and heading to the emergency room or calling 911, I decided to head to the computer.  Yup - that's what we all do when we think we might be dieing, right?!  Guess I should have written my final farewell while I was at the keyboard.  Instead I googled heart attack symptoms and really, it didn't seem like that was what was happening to me.  So I googled panic attack symptoms.  BINGO!  Every symptom - I just checked them off one by one.  By this time I had decided that I wasn't going to die, so I popped one of my pills for anxiety and headed back to the recliner.  Within 20 minutes all symptoms were gone and I felt much better. 

I hope to NEVER have another panic/anxiety attack.  It was seriously the scariest medical situation I've ever been through. 

I had made a major decision to quit my job, which I knew would alleviate some of the stress I was having in my life.  Our little family has experienced a lot of stressful situations this last year.  Some of them were really wonderful - like a new grandbaby being born, a daughter and her family moving into their own home, and another daughter moving back 'home'.  Some were really difficult - like my husband being put on probation at his job unjustly and everything that went along with that including a quick emergency flight home to be with him; opening up a new school with double the student population and everything that goes along with that, including spending time in classrooms once a week.  I'm not a teacher.  I wanted to be a teacher once - long, long ago.  But after that first practicum experience, I knew that I would be eaten alive by those children so I changed my major.  So this experience of being in the classroom often left me in tears in the nearest bathroom when I was done. 

In hindsight, I can tell you some things that I've learned.

1. If something is being overly stressful in your life - don't play the martyr and stick with it because you don't want to feel like a failure.
2. Don't worry about doing everything, all of the time.  It's ok to let some things go and not be perfect.  Why is it that we sometimes feel we have to be the 'superwoman'?  That's just wrong!
3. Be honest with your feelings and talk with someone about them - be it your spouse, a trusted friend, your doctor or another professional.
4. A strong relationship with your Father in Heaven can help you through really difficult times.
5. Studying the scriptures can give you insight and strength and help you feel the love of your Savior.
6. "Those that be with us are greater than those that be with them."  2 Kings 6:16.  I believe that the adversary is working overtime to make us feel that we have failed and that we are of no worth.  I also believe that we have a loving Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ who know us personally and love us perfectly.  Through the gifts and blessings of the Atonement, we can be succored and strengthened through the Savior.
7. When you are having a medical emergency - don't google it!  Get professional medical help immediately.

 Our lives are full of stress.  Learning to cope - and learning to let go of certain things will help us enjoy the life that is ours to live.  Carpe' Diem!

Anxiety and Life

I recently read an article written by Sandra Turley that resonated with me so strongly.  Reading it actually gave me the internal permission to admit out loud what was happening with myself.  I have been fighting a battle with anxiety - especially the last 5 1/2 months.  I've had little blips on the radar before that, but these last 5+ months have really been tough ones.  There wasn't just one thing that I was troubled about, there were several.  And these were life-altering situations.

• My husband was told he was being put on probation at work for something he didn't do and may lose his job.
• I was told that I would need to do something with my job that causes me anxiety.
• The school I worked at last year closed and a new school opened.  More than double the number of students and staff.  Add in behavior and special ed class rooms.  Starting the school with no behavior plan and a gym not done - just to name a few things - and you end up with a whole lot of crazy!
• My husband had major surgery on his cervical spine.
• I'm having increased problems with my back.
• We have family members who are struggling with extreme health conditions.
• A daughter had a baby and moved and we went to help.
• Another daughter and her family moved and we couldn't be there to help.
• My church calling (Stake RS President) takes me away from my home ward most Sundays.  We recently had boundary changes and lots of people moving in and out.  The short of that is this: when I am able to make it to my own ward - I don't feel a connection there any more.  I've been away for the most part for 5 1/2 years now.
• And so on and so forth.

 So - when I read this article:  http://sandraturley.com/i-am-a-duck/ it struck me that I needed to own what I was feeling in order to deal with it.  I've had my husband give me a priesthood blessing.  I resigned my position at work.  A change was not able to be made to relieve me of a two hour disaster in my work life once a week, so I quit.  Not even having that be acknowledged by my supervisor hurt incredibly, and I had to work through the feelings of feeling worthless and not valued, but now I feel ok.  So glad I am walking away.

I am trying to focus more on my Savior, on the blessings he has given so abundantly to our family and the moments when He has whispered Peace to my heart.  I am allowing myself to be in the scriptures more.  I am saying no to things that are not necessary right now.  I am focusing on our family.

I had my anxiety medication prescription renewed and am being vigilant in taking it on a scheduled basis rather than just PRN as I did for so long.

This is just the beginning.  I have much to do.  I am a worrier.  I am a fixer.  And I need to learn to let most of that go. 

The Savior has born all of these feelings of mine.  And because of that, He alone knows how to succor me and strengthen me.  It is upon Him, my Rock, that I will lean and trust.  I feel that I will move forward, and that things will be better than I could have ever imagined.  But for now, I am striving to slow down a bit - enjoy my blessings - and Let Go & Let God.